"Me, narcissistic?" Wait Lord! Is this really You God? Or is this the enemy hurling accusations?
Then I heard, "Why do you pray for them?"
Me: Because I am tired of this. They make life so difficult for people.
Holy Spirit: Teresa, why do you pray for them?
Me: Lord, is this a trick question?
Holy Spirit: Teresa, what is your motive in praying for them?
Me: Lord, I don't know. I thought it was because I was supposed to. Lord, may I ask, where you're going with this?
Holy Spirit: Yes. I want you to know the motive of your heart and I want you know MY motives so you echo MY heart.
Me: Okay Lord. I'm scared to know my motive.
Holy Spirit: You will never loosely say someone is narcissistic again because what I Am about to show you.
Me: Okay Lord.
Oh my goodness! All that unfolded was heart opening which caused my eyes to see HIM in ways that still causes my heart to beat with passion.
Amazingly enough, I learned that many times when I prayed for people it was so that "my" life would be easier. I was praying for people to be freed so "my" life would be toxic free; I prayed for them because of what "I" wanted. I was seeing them as an obstacle and not as a person that just needed to be freed and delivered; just like I do.
Meanwhile, it's funny because the freedom and deliverance that I need may not be as "ugly" as someone else's, but I still need to walk in God's freedom and deliverance that is ongoing, perpetual and unfolding! When Holy Spirit highlighted my heart, it actually was so incredibly freeing and suddenly Holy Spirit made me aware to pray for people with God's passion to believe they would be set free from the lies of the enemy and walk in truth so they are no longer robbed in this life!
Again, it's crazy because I wasn't praying to desire freedom for them; I was praying for them to live free so I wouldn't be embarrassed by them! I was getting upset when they were doing and saying things so much so that I was even praying that God would remove them from my life. It's such a humanistic way of seeing it. It's seeing it with poverty mindset, with lack and now as my mindset has shifted, I am seeing how Holy Spirit is changing my prayers to believe that they will be respectful in life and show honor so they are not robbed of living a blessed life. Simply wanting them to be FREE in Christ and getting to live a blessed life.
Think about this: I was "loving" people because of what they could do for me and how they made me feel and even look, instead of befriending them because I was simply honored to be their friend no matter what.
Just think...we have even gone into relationships whether in friendships or marriage because of how the other person made us feel; and then many times we want to leave the friendship or relationship because they don't make us feel the way we used to. I was using people to fulfill an insatiable appetite of wanting to be fulfilled versus wanting to be there for people because God simply loves them because He loves them and I could stand in that place as a vessel for His glory!
In these moments, I am being free as Holy Spirit is so kind to keep my motives in check; when I'm doing good things to make me feel better, I simply get reminded to do it for the "God reason" and that's because I can do what's good because it's good and pleasing to the Lord and it helps someone else.
Remember, even when we let go of relationships because we know we must; our prayers for them change. We plead for them with God's love and that's because of who they are to God.