June 26, 2011, "Forgiveness bringing forth Healing"

Triumphant Victorious Reminders
Inspired by the Holy Spirit
Written By: Teresa Criswell
Excerpt from post on May 10, 2010

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us."
~ Psalm 103:12 NKJV ~

For many who know me, please pray before reading this. I pray that you will not look at me differently, but see the transforming power of Almighty God over a woman's life who went against everything she knew and had been taught. The life I had lived was of great selfishness and vanity, a life with great void, not choosing to walk with God.

"I woke up late. I had RSVP'ed for the event that I was suppose to be attending at 10 am. It was now 9:45 am and I wasn't even close to ready. All the thoughts of, "How are you going to get there without being beyond late?" "The drive alone is 15 minutes." I thought,"Well, I'm not going then, I can't show up late." Yet, the pull on my heart to go was stronger than the arguing voice in my head. My daughter and I with great efficiency was able to get ready...of course it didn't change the fact that I would still be late. As we left the house, my mind was still warring with me, "You can't show up late...that is so rude." I physically shook my head as though it would cast the thought out and I turned on the radio to KLOVE and a song came on that I had never heard before. The chorus I heard was the following phrase: "This is where the healing begins, This is where the healing starts..." by Tenth Avenue North. I thought, "Lord! Okay, I know this is of You!"

I preface you with the above to confess that I am a woman scorned by her own choice to abort and murder more than one child from God. For many years I hid my choice with great shame. Because of the shame, I was never able to mourn over the sin I had committed and mourn over my children. My womb was to be a refuge for these lives, yet it became a place of horror and death. About two weeks ago, I confessed before some dear friends and women from my church as we were in an intimate setting, the horrific, shameful burden that I had carried. At that moment, God's healing allowed me to finally mourn over a regretful choice I made many years ago.

Before my confession to the women from my church, I had been invited to the first annual, "Born Into Heaven" Service held at Gateway Church. I was invited by my dear friend, Jennifer. I was beyond amazed to find out that the 'God Idea' had only been deposited into the hearts of the women two weeks before the event. God utilized these four women who all had experienced miscarriages and a still born birth. Again, their hearts were deposited with the healing of God to be made manifest on men and women who experienced miscarriages, still born births, a death of a child and women who had abortions. To hear the testimony of how everything fell into place for the event was beautifully amazing. All the centerpieces, refreshments, and gifts were all donated. It was a God Divine Service to comfort all who mourn!

I met a few women who experienced the pain in miscarriages, even some who carried their babies to full term, going through labor and finding out that their child had passed away. I was in absolute awe to see that their sadness was replaced with God's supernatural, overflowing grace and strength. At that moment, I remember how shame tried to come upon me again, knowing that many of these women desired to have a child and to receive their children as beautiful gifts, yet were unable to. The beautiful gift that they so desired, I treated as it was nothing.

That Saturday, I mourned what I chose to lose. I wept even more so to witness the women who revealed the grace of Almighty God on their lives. Each table had small stones laid out along with markers. We were told if we wanted, we could place the names of the children that had passed away, upon the stones. After writing the names down, we were instructed to place the stones into a beautiful glass vase. At that moment, I wept with remorse as I never knew the names of my children or who they were suppose to be. I asked with tears streaming down my face, "Lord, what do I write?" The only thing that came to me was to write down the number of children along with the sin of murder by abortion. After writing it on the stone, I wept even more. I rose up from my chair and placed the stone into the beautiful glass vase.

As I sat back down, I noticed the others who approached the glass vase. I was left in awe. I was amazed to see the husbands who wept and embraced their wives as they approached the glass vase together with one or more stones in hand. It was a beautiful picture of God's embrace especially through the sadness that they could never imagine going through, especially on their own.

Going back to my late arrival, a woman was speaking. One of the things that she had spoken that morning, resignated so deep within my heart. The analogy she spoke of was from a devotional written by Oswald Chambers. This is what she said, "Patience is more than endurance. A saint's life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says - "I cannot stand any more." God does not heed, He goes on stretching till His purpose is in sight, then He lets fly. Trust yourself in God's hands. For what have you need of patience just now? Maintain your relationship to Jesus Christ by the patience of faith..."

To hear this statement, was definitely a defining moment of the stretching process which represents growth. I realized that even in my sin, God wanted me to rise up out of the ashes of my shame. I realized that He truly desired that each of us must be stretched so that we can go further than we could ever dream of doing on our own.

Today, as I reflect on what I have been so lovingly forgiven of, I am greatly comforted by my God knowing that my children were born into heaven. I am so sorry to my children for allowing my womb to be a place of darkness and rejection.

I ask You Lord God, will you please tell my children how sorry I am? I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I robbed myself of getting to embrace such beautiful gifts. Thank you Lord for allowing me the gift in my daughter. Thank you for our Tristin. She is our inspiration from You. She is my inspiration to go on and lift my head, knowing that I don't deserve her...but You still allowed me to raise her, embrace her and celebrate her. Thank You Lord. Thank You! Thank You for your healing Lord that You have placed so lavishly upon my life!

To watch and listen to the music video, please scroll down to the bottom of this page and 'pause' the playlist...

"Healing Begins"
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark


  1. Teresa,

    thank you for sharing your story. It's a beautiful example of God's forgiveness. I'm so happy to know that one day you will meet your children in the perfection of glory, already forgiven not just by God but by them as well. God bless you and comfort you in this time of healing.

    Manifest Blog


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